Tips for supporting your loved one
Many don’t know what to do with a cancer diagnosis - how to respond to it, how to support it, and how to talk about it. Over the past few years I learned that everyone can only give what they can give, but I feel everyone should be able to give something. Even if it’s just a hand to hold or an ear to listen.
I wanted to share some tips that I think are important for the primary caregiver as well as the support team around the cancer patient. Based on my journey and experiences, we could all use some tips.
Support Team:
Ask the caregiver how you can help
Many times the support team doesn’t want to bother the patient and assume they are doing ok. It’s important that the support team doesn’t assume anything because the patient may seem like they have it all under control, but many times they could use more help than you think. It’s sometimes hard for the patient to ask for help because they are focused on one goal, living. Every day is going to be different for the fighter so how they feel or what they need is going to change daily. Talk to the primary caregiver to see how the patient is doing and what support they could use at that time.
Communicate with the caregiver
Don’t assume anything. I can’t stress this enough, every day is going to be different for the patient. Don’t talk to friends who have had family members treated for cancer and don’t ask family what they think the patient would want for support. Communicate with the primary caregiver, they are with the patient around the clock and understand slightly more about the emotional and physical journey the cancer fighter is going through. They might even know a little more than the patient themselves on what support could be best at that particular part of the journey.
Be Proactive and Show Up
Think about what you might want if you had just received a diagnosis. What would help you feel best supported? Most likely it could be the same for your loved one. And if you aren’t sure, just ask. They may tell you they don’t want help so give them time and check in with them again. It may be hard for some to see the patient while they are sick and not feeling good, but you can do so many things from afar. But don’t stay too far away, because on good days they could use your support and company. Here are some thoughts on what you can do:
Send a care package*
Send flowers*
Help with household cleaning - gift a cleaning service or assist with cleaning yourself
Provide meals - frozen, homemade, delivery*
Create a movie or song list*
Sign them up to receive a self care day*
Stop by their home for a visit
Keep them company while receiving chemotherapy at the clinic
Take them for a walk
Send them an email/text to lift their spirits*
Send a note on chemo day, or surgery day or during radiation*
*I will be sharing ideas and organizations that I feel will best support the patient.
Primary Caregivers:
Delegate tasks
Send out a note to friends and family asking if anyone is willing to provide support and set up a calendar of visit, food deliveries, house cleaning and more.
Communicate with your loved one
Many times the cancer patient may not want to talk about their current situation, but keeping communication open will only help you to be the best support. Tell your loved one that you are there for them and ensure them that they can ask you for help. Try to be proactive with providing assistance with daily tasks that they were used to doing, but now don’t have the energy to take on. It’s hard to be the primary caregiver, but by just simply keeping them company and letting them know they can rely on you will go a long way.
Communicate with the medical team
Attend as many appointments as you can with the patient and bring along a notepad to take notes. After diagnosis, there is a lot of information being poured out by the doctors and it is a lot for the patient to process. Many times the patient isn’t focusing on all of the details so help gather those details for them. Also, DON’T LET THE PATIENT GOOGLE - They don’t need to go down a black hole of symptoms, statistics, etc. about their diagnosis.
Caregivers and Support Team:
Help take the fighter’s mind off of their journey, by asking when their good weeks are and taking them to a movie or for a walk. It’s good for them to get out of the house and have visitors. Yes, it’s good for them to rest too, but they also need to build up their energy when they do have it!
Remember even though their treatment has been completed or they are looking better after surgery, don’t assume that they are healed - physically or mentally. Ask them how they are doing and how you can still help. It’s never over for a cancer patient which many times no one truly realizes. Milestones need to be celebrated, support needs to be provided and we need to help each other LIV and LET every day!