To Just Be - On The Yoga Mat

“I hope the mat was what you were looking for today” Ali said as we came out of meditation.. Tears were already forming in my eyes, but at this moment they started rolling down my face. It was exactly what I needed. It was only Tuesday, but I felt the stress and anxiety building up from the weeks prior. At the beginning of class she asked what are intention was and gave examples. When she mentioned “to just be” I immediately said “that’s it.” All I want to do right now is just be!

Monday evening I sat on the bed in our guest room after a full day of trampoline jumping, grocery shopping and gymnastics class and got distracted with cleaning out my inbox. For those of you who know me this is not an easy task for me considering the number 80,000 sitting at the top of how many emails appear before my eyes. All of this was after I had an introduction call with A Fresh Chapter and an Associate Board zoom call with Share Our Spare. A Fresh Chapter is an organization with a mission to heal the emotional scars of cancer, but we’re also an organization that believes that volunteering and serving the causes we care about helps us heal. We talked about Intention which got my mind going about how I want to feel and what I want to focus on. As I was cleaning my inbox I found an email from A Fresh Chapter that I completely missed. It was a questionnaire that I was supposed to have completed before the call. I opened up the email and got to work. Not completing homework or tasks on time used to be a big issue in my book. Lately I’ve been a little more patient with myself and I’m not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. Am I changing who I am or am I just adjusting my ways so that I am not so uptight and stressed? Not sure because this is kind of stressing me out thinking that I didn’t complete the assignment on time. Anyways, I finished the first page easily answering my name, where I lived, what I did for work, etc. Then it got into the heavy questions about purpose, feelings, support, community. It asked about how we felt the day we were answering the questions, how we felt a week ago and so on. It’s amazing how 7 days can make a difference in how we answer the questions. I completed the questionnaire and then moved on to deleting more emails. I then came across an email my dad had forwarded me with a video. The copy that ran before my eyes read as below:

“A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, sat together to visit their old university professor. Conversations soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups…porcelain, polastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking some expensive, some exquisite…telling them to help themselves to the coffee.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: ‘if you notice, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken,up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones…while it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the course of your problems and stress.”Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. Most cases it is just more expensive and even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee not the cup…but you consciously went for the best cup and then you began eyeing each other’s cup.Life is the coffee. The jobs, money and position in society are the cupsThey are just tools to hold and contain life. The type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything.they just make the best of everything.’” 

I woke up the next day, got my daughter ready for school and then started to work on responding to emails and doing laundry. It was a good day overall! I can’t complain. I did do a lot of thinking and while working on Liv & Let - a community and information hub for those impacted by cancer - I came across some highlights of cancer communities that came together after I started Liv & Let and how they were growing and celebrating. I started to wonder if what I was doing was really helping anyone. Was it worth it? Why weren’t women attracted to what I was sharing? What could I do differently? It went through my mind all morning but soon I had to pick my daughter up from school and move on. My daughter enjoyed play time and swim class. After my husband got home from work it would be play time for me at a yoga and meditation class. I can’t complain because he was picking up dinner, but he left me with 5 minutes to get to class on time and I started to stress. I walked into class, sat on a mat and laid down. 

My mind wandered the entire time we flowed through vinyasa, downward dog and star pose. Why was I there? Was it just to be? Maybe it was ok that my mind was wandering today. I kept trying to be present, but I just couldn’t get there. I know that my husband has been telling me this for a while and I am trying so hard, but I think in the 45 minutes of yoga I finally got myself to realize that i’m doing well and everything that I’ve done over the past 6 years has a purpose. This yoga class was only my second workout after my hysterectomy surgery. “Look at this body and look what it can do,” I said to myself. When going through the flow I could feel my stomach stretch. I wasn’t in pain, but it felt different. I thought to myself how strong I was for even coming to class. I could have just stayed on the couch, but I chose to try even if it meant modifying a pose. 

The words: “I hope the mat was what you were looking for today” sent me over the edge. It was exactly where I needed to be at that time and that moment. I thought to myself, I may not be crazy active on social media and I may not have a lot of followers, but I have made a difference in the lives of others who connect with what I’m doing. I am different and unique and Liv & Let may be different and unique. I may be an AYA survivor, but I also don’t relate to what supports the younger generation. I am more of an old soul and I find different ways of care and support to be more beneficial. I started thinking about the best note I received from Megan in Missouri about her wanting to open up and connect with someone and she chose ME and Liv & Let. I thought about the beautiful ladies who have connected with me through social media and shared what Liv & Let and Giv Shoppe are doing. I don’t need to be the most popular, I just need to be who I am for those who need the community and information hub I’ve created. Liv & Let has  supported more than the one person I was hoping to when I started sharing my story so I should be proud of that. It connected me with friends of friends and spouses of friends. I am so lucky to have met some amazing people that I otherwise would never have had the opportunity to do so. Giv Shoppe reconnected me with friends from high school who were having preventative surgery or looking to support a new best friend. It also gave me the opportunity to reconnect with friends from college and to support one of their wives. My mom’s friend and my aunt/godmother have been huge supporters and I can’t thank them enough. Linda, my mom’s friend/mom of a grade school friend has cheered me on from the beginning, always reading newsletters I send out and recently sending a gift from Giv Shoppe. My aunt and I have a special relationship and while we have had some ups and downs her love and support means the world to me. She is my #1 shopper! It’s not all about the quantity but the quality and I truly have the best supporters and the most amazing connections. Through Liv & Let and Giv Shoppe I truly have been blessed with meeting such authentic and beautiful individuals! I am doing this all on my own! In addition to being a mom to a 3.5 year old, keeping track of doctors appointments and taking care of my health, I have started two small businesses that I hope one day will impact a town. There is time for that!

I know this doesn’t really have to do with cancer education, resources, events, products or curating care crates, but I wanted to share this story for when you are having a tough day with treatment, survivorship, your job, friendships and questioning your purpose, what’s next and everything in between know that you will get to a place where you will be good with where you are at. It may not look like what you thought it would be and you may still struggle here and there, but know that you are not alone and someone is there for you. They may not be in your family or friend group, but I’m confident you will find them. 

xx,

Lauren